When The Age Difference In Your Marriage Becomes a Problem

Sometimes people marry when there is a large age difference. They may not even be in the same generation as each other. There have always been the jokes about older men in midlife crisis marrying younger women in order to feel youthful. But there are now plenty of women who marry younger men. There are situations where the mixing of different ages works quite well.

Naturally there are also those marriages where the age difference causes problems. Often this occurs after a couple has been married for a period of time. When people marry they often fail to consider the long term consequences of their decisions. For example, the younger woman who marries an older man may not think 10 years difference is much at the time of the marriage because she is blinded by love. But in another 10 years when he is unable to do some of the same things they enjoyed together the age difference seems to become more pronounced.

The reverse situation is true also. An older man may think his youthful wife is fun and attractive. But over time the generational differences can cause marital problems. She wants to dance to punk rock and he wants to dance to 70s music which she despises. This is a small difference but serves as an example of how the age difference can cause petty disagreements.

In some cases though, the disagreements are not petty at all. An older spouse may be more interested in saving for retirement while the younger spouse is still in the stage of spending money on travel, entertainment, a new home and so on. The differences in perspectives can cause a lot of problems when it comes to making decisions in the marriage. There are also major decisions that should be discussed long before the marriage takes place in order to prevent misery and divorce down the road. For example it is important for couples to decide on whether they will have children. Waiting to find out after marriage that the older partner does not want a baby can be extremely heartbreaking.

In some cases time passes before couples find out that the age difference is a problem. For example, when she is 30 years old and he is 60 years old, there is a good chance that he is not going to want to do the same things as her. She may enjoy going to open air concerts and he only wants to watch movies. This can cause a lot of problems when the frustration begins to build. A frequent response to situations like this is that the husband and wife begin to go their separate ways. This will probably lead to divorce if the situation is not addressed.

There are lots of ways to keep the marriage strong despite age differences. First you can begin to look for things you can do together sometimes and apart other times. For example, if there are local club activities that hold interest for both of you then you could join in the fun. Or you can agree to do something of interest to your spouse on a regular basis and visa versa. He takes you dancing sometimes and you go to the movies with him. You can spend time with friends too which is always refreshing. Being with a group of laughing friends can make anyone feel young. Or you can find a hobby you can do as a couple.

Recognizing the Difference

The one thing you should not do is let the frustration build up when you feel that an age difference is causing problems. One of the signs a serious problem is brewing is when the younger spouse begins to feel as if the older spouse is making him or her old before their time. This is a dangerous emotion that can cause a lot of ill feelings and even lead to poor decisions.

Communicating your needs to your spouse is always important. If you believe your spouse is making you “old” then you should share those feelings. It works the other way too. If your spouse feels like you need to act with more maturity then there should be a discussion about the matter. Ignoring the issues does not make them go away. They only fester until one day the arguing starts.

Marriages with significant age differences can work. You just need to be attentive to each others needs and find ways to reconcile your activities so they accommodate each other’s ages.