Sex Addiction – Does It Affect Your Relationship?
Jason has sent me another article which will hit the nerves of many people. Are you in a relationship where your partner, or maybe you, visit certain websites that the other finds really offensive? You know the ones I’m talking about…and they are not relationship sites like this one! (I’m afraid to type the real word, as I know I will get a heap of spammy comments to delete! So we will call it a p*** site.)
What is considered morally right or wrong in a relationship and how it affects your partner, can be the undoing of a relationship. How do you feel, when the topic is raised? Does it make you feel uneasy and sick to the stomach? Or are you interested and wonder what all the fuss is about? Sex addition or p*** addiction destroys many relationships. Many men will say its just a man thing, all men do. Well, not all men do and not all women do.
As many of my regular readers know, Jason writes articles and comments on this blog regularly. You may think I have a biased opinion, especially if you are a man, whereas Jason is a young man in his early twenties, so hearing his take on the subject may be helpful to you…
Author: Jason
“Hmmm… Decisions, decisions. Should I log on to the p*** site? Eh, I will, not like I can get caught.”
Are those the thoughts that run through your head when your partner leaves, and you’re home alone? I know at times I feel like that. Like many relationships my partner doesn’t want me looking at p***. To guys it’s sexy seeing a woman watching it, but to women I think they see it as a bad thing. I know if my girl was watching it when I wasn’t home, and without telling me, I would feel that I was inadequate. I would think to myself “What am I doing wrong?”
Well, there’s one thing that I have to ask… What type do you watch? I noticed a trend that men, and women alike pick p*** based on what they like in sex or what they want to try, etc. So instead of breaking your partners trust in you and risk getting caught (and yes there are plenty of ways to get caught, even if you delete it from your history) why not talk to your partner about it.
It’s a very difficult subject to pull up in a conversation, and it may feel uncomfortable. P*** is “Taboo” after all. What I noticed though based on relationships I have seen, been in and so forth, p*** has always been a part of it. It is either in secrecy from a partner or together with a partner.
I think that people watch because, even though they love their partner and only want to be with them, something is missing for them. Fantasies run wild in a repetitive sex life, and people think to themselves “Things are going great between us; I don’t want to ruin it by changing it.” So people turn to p*** to fill that fantasy niche, so they are satisfied.
Time for another question!!! Wouldn’t you rather experience it rather than just watch it?
I know I would, granted all relationships are different, no two are the same. Ever. So just sit down and carefully, really carefully, talk about it to your partner. I am not saying to admit your past deeds, hell of a lot of hot water there, but talk, learn their fantasies, have them make a list of them, make a list of yours too.
After the list is done, if it gets that far, begin to plot for your partners fantasies. One day when your home alone, in the mood, and wanting to go on to the sites, instead, get things set up for a possible fantasy enactment for your partner. Surprise him/her with it, or just wait till later and let your partner relax before springing it out. (Yes I know that sounded wrong but I’m not gonna change it.)
Sex is great, fantasies are great too. The question is how to incorporate those two natural human desires, into one great wonderful sex life. We all have our own path and way. It all starts with asking and communicating clearly what you want for you and your partner. The worst that they can say is “No”. You may be surprised but you and your partner may have similar fantasies.
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The last thing I want to do is offend people. All of my articles are based on what I observe, research, and experienced.
First of all congratulations!! (To your private message.) That’s wonderful! I’m really proud of you Jason. I’m always interested in your progress and future successes!
Also this article really affects so many relationships and one that so many people don’t know how to handle.
I hate it when my boyfriend wants to look at other girls. I feel like he is being unfaithful with his eyes. I don’t want to look at other guys, so why would he want to look at other girls unless I’m not good enough. He says its different and that all guys do, but Dr Phil says they have a problem and its a sickness. I agree with him, because I have horrible feelings inside of me when I know he has been checking out those sites.
Hi Crystal,
I understand totally how you feel as I would feel the same way. Many women have said to me, what is the difference if the girl is showing her all on a screen or in the same room, their partner is still enjoying the eroticism in exactly the same way.
A relationship is put under a lot of stress when there is conflict of interest and differences of opinions. Who is right and who is wrong? It all depends on how much a person can accept another’s opinion and freedoms.
Honestly Mary,
I have to disagree with the girl on screen and in room statement, see on screen things happen that maybe the one in the room is unwilling to go for. It’s the idea that right in front of us, is something that we cannot have, and because we are seeing it happen, etc, it gives us (I am talking about guys) a chance to indulge in the Taboo of sex, the naughty, and so forth.
Personally, I feel that to prevent your man from going to these sites, people should try something new, try something “dirty” or kinky, allow him to indulge in some of his fantasies and experience that feeling. Don’t get me wrong, this works both ways, tell him what your fantasy is, and indulge in it yourself. DON”T GO FOR IT ALL THE TIME THOUGH! Surprise him, keep him on his toes, if it becomes repetitive he may just go back to old habits.
Hi Jason,
Yes, I understand what you are saying, but many do fulfill fantasies or indulge in kinky games, but it doesn’t always keep their partner ‘faithful.’ Needless to say, they feel betrayed. They are giving what their partner desires, in the hopes of keeping them happy, but there are some that are never content. When a relationship is extremely sexual, there are still some who cannot get enough, on screen or off.
This is when relationship problems arise. I know woman, who can’t get enough, so it is not just the men. The men have all sorts of problems feeling they can’t satisfy their girl.
Its just one of those areas, that you either approve or disapprove. If both approve there is no problem. If one disapproves, it could be a relationship with unresolved problems.
and I concur I know a few like that. I am in a relationship, where the screen is off limits, and sometimes I don’t get satisfied with kinky things. Maybe it’s just my values, or the occasional slip into her and another pants but I have always disapproved of it when in a relationship. Unless a partner is willing and accepting of it I feel as though one is betraying a partner. There are many views and most no one has the same exact one, there are always exceptions, things that are approved and things that aren’t. But I do agree that it does depend on how much one can tolerate.
I try to give my boyfriend everything he wants but he is never happy. He still sneaks behind my back to watch! How can I trust him if I do the things you say Jason and he still does?
Like Mary had said previously Crystal, there are some who are never satisfied. I personally am not in any position to tell you how one should live a life. Trust is a big factor in a relationship. In a position you are in, I asked my girl about it. She said the same thing I am about to say, but it’s just our opinion. An ultimatum, give him a choice, either stop and regain that trust, or leave. again this is just OUR OPINION. I am not saying one should leap to that conclusion as a first line, try to work it out, if one is the more passive type, setting up strict parental computer controls with a password to block all those sites will work. He can no longer see those sites on the PC. It may start a fight at first, blocking “his sites”. But stress is something the last thing a relationship needs if a partner is already stressed out, and feels as though the other is being neglectful, or unfaithful, ect. but before you do any thing I suggest, I’ll wait to hear from Mary, she’s been at this a lot longer than I have, and may have a better, more effective, and more positive approach to it. ………. the floor is yours Mary.
Well Jason, you answered that very well, in my opinion too
Trust is very important in a relationship. This is one area that causes friction in many relationships. I agree with Jason, if you cannot accept his ways and he is not prepared to change for you…move on.
There are others who will respect you and your feelings.
You may love him, but does he love you the way you want to be loved?
It’s hard to maintain a relationship, it takes work on both sides, right Mary, *Assumes Mary shakes her head yes* If one person doesn’t want to put forth the effort and match yours, or at least putting some effort in, I think they are missing out, especially when the person whose putting the effort in leaves, lucky for me, neither me nor my girl put in a bunch of effort to maintain our relationship, as long as we are together that’s what matters to both of us. But when one doesn’t show effort or tries to better themselves for their partner or even tries to make it work, I don’t think they really love their partner. Then it’s time to move on…. like Mary says.
Yes Jason, you are right again. Its lovely when you can ‘work’ at your relationship together, yet it doesn’t feel like work. To be able to live each day with your partner, with feelings of contentment and love, is a very nice place to be.
And it never should feel like work, or a chore, I feel that the “work” put into is an opportunity to make the other happier, to want to be w/ you. Even in doing the most mundane tasks possible together, it should be an enjoyable experience. I know when my partner is gone even for 5-8 hours, I begin to feel lonely, and I want to see her again. so really I guess it would be called “opportunistic tasks for your partner to be happy” or if anyone can come with a shorter one with same meaning, feel free. but no, it should never feel like work, it’s all about contentment, happiness, and love for both you and your partner.
I couldn’t have said it better!
Hey Mary,
Women, men can never seem to understand them; it’s like a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing some pieces. Yet we try to put it together anyway….
http://happytogetherforever.com/what-men-wish-women-knew-about-us/
Just letting you know Tony has responded to your new article…
Hey Mary,
Here’s something I have been wondering about. My girl doesn’t have the same sexual drive as other people, she admits it, and says it’s something screwy in her head that she doesn’t get horny often, nor can she be put in the mood. She says it has been like this with every guy, and not just me. I am thinking that she associates sex with the same repetitive tasks as everyday, even though it doesn’t happen often. I was wondering if you perhaps lend me some advice as to how to change that. I know she feels bad when she says no, and I know that if she’s not in the mood she won’t just to humor me, which is good.
But I have done pretty much all I can do to change it. I tried Love notes, messages, caressing, going slow rather than fast in bed, offer her an opportunity to shower w/ me, cuddled w/ her, held her, I even tried being spontaneous. However I cannot seem to get her interested. I know her drive is there, I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it.
Is there any advice you could lend out to a 20 soon be 21 year old?
Hi Jason,
I’ve been away, visiting elderly relatives! Sorry for not replying sooner.
Your question is one that cannot be solved with a broad answer. You have already attempted many of the usual solutions that would be offered, by myself or any text book. Although this is a fairly common situation the causes can be both varied and yet specific to the individual. The most practical attempt at resolution would be to seek appropriate counseling for your partner or jointly. This may be impractical either for reasons of cost, availability or even unwillingness to commit to this form of therapy by your partner. Any of these would be understandable.
The only next available option that I can see is what you are already doing. I can both sense and understand your frustration. I would only counsel that you treat your approaches as a process, and not expect that any one will suddenly be a holy grail. It is unlikely that you are going to hit on any one “way” that will suddenly be a magical solution. Rather through continued loving and supportive behaviors, hopefully a more expressive relationship can be manifested based on love and trust.
I will mention that it is one of the peculiar differences of male/female sexuality that the female is not often “in the mood” prior to love-making in the same way that a man is. Often she does not become aroused until “proceedings are underway.” A man’s involvement can seem more instant and physical, whereas a woman’s mind must be involved. This involves switching of the thought process from day to day activities, tasks etc., to a loving and receptive mindset. So persistence pays.
This then of course has to be balanced against what is reasonable persistence, so that this does not become nagging. Very complex but you are moving strongly in the right direction already.
Thank you Mary, I do believe that what I am doing is on the correct path too. I also decided to take a good look at myself as well, and began to think, “hey I’m stressed here…. she could be stressed too,” then after a good heated discussion with her for reasons I forgot and all settled down, I got up and she poked me, which means “I’m sorry” for her. she said you need to get you 6 pack back,” which shocked me a bit because I never had a girl sit and want me to have a 6 pack let alone want me to get it back. I smile, and told her that i’ll only do it if she’d work out with me, she said “I ain’t running” I had a back up plan, her bike… SO I have been working out for like a week now, she’ll start as soon as I get her bike fixed, and I have noticed that my stress level went down drastically, and she’s been more giving on my “touch/hug” quota lately, and she’s more receptive to my requests of asking what’s wrong…. I have learned that the biggest reason she doesn’t get “in the mood” to often is because her scoliosis is acting up. ^ ^ I am glad it’s not just me, I know I prevent it at times LOL.
Jason that’s wonderful and your commitment to progress is really inspiring! She’s a lucky girl having you want to understand and not just throwing your hands in the air, because a relationship is all too hard.
I love her, I want us to work the best we can. Never perfect though, which is good, I hate to have a perfect relationship, nothing ever happens with those. My main goal is to make sure she’s happy above all else though, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness for her.
Jason, a little sacrifice is noble, but your happiness is also important…there has to be a balance. Although I understand how making the one you love happy, makes you happy too. Plus there are such things as perfect relationships and they are magic!!
I do Understand what you are saying, Mary, however, if she was unhappy being with me, and there was nothing I could do, I would walk away to secure her happiness, that’s what I mean by sacrificing my own happiness for hers.
Wonderful…BTW…sorry I missed you…I have had so much spam! I went looking for you
Too many people love this article, but I delete their comments. I also hope people pay attention to this remark!
Hi Jason,
Just saying hi…you were on my mind…I hope you are happy and well!
Mary
I am, I found a Job, got my degree, and I am moving to a new place, this one is falling apart and the landlord won’t help us fix it. I am sorry I haven’t been on, I got very busy and still am busy. Stress level went up, and my workout time increased. How are you and your husband?
Hi Jason! I’m glad you are happy and well! Congratulations on your degree too! We are wonderful as always…and we are both glad to know you are ok!