Learning About Relationships and Communication

Relationships are all about communication. Recognition and disclosure are key steps in improving relationship communication. Here is an article written by a young man, Jason, who is learning to do just that!

You know how my day starts? I wake up at 5 AM let the dogs out, and go back to bed. Sometime after I go back to bed, my girlfriend wakes up. She turns on the light and gets a bowl of cereal. I wake up with sound of fingers hitting a keyboard at like 7-8 AM. I mosey up out of bed to put on my clothes and check my email.

After the initial wake up and decency check, we begin to plan our day. We sort out what needs to be done vs. what we want to get done. And split the tasks. Of course I prefer to take on more than her because I have an overabundance of energy.

As we are doing our chores… Which I dislike calling them, they are not as fun… We figure on what can be halted or we can slow down on to go get lunch.

The point is through this common day and common tasks we communicate, we discuss how things are done, when things should be done, and so on. However, we cannot discuss what’s bothering us, why it’s bothering us, we do not express love much, and we don’t talk much off the subject of business. By the end of the day, whether we just got off work, or worked to get the house clean. We are very tired; we shut ourselves in our room and bury our minds into our computers. Most people who are tired just want to be left alone, relax a bit. Take a shower, and fall asleep. But that is at times the wrong thing to do.

My relationship is an open battlefield, I have to prove everyday to my girl (even though she feels that I have proven enough) that I am better than her ex’s and better suited for her than her friends who hit on her, and can buy her things, and are probably more experienced in bed.

No relationship is perfect, somewhere, in some way, you’ll screw up. You’re going to get your lover mad at you and you’re going to get mad and things get rocky. The place where things get rocky for me is the “I’m right, you’re wrong” factor. I feel that I am right, and she is wrong, and vice versa. That is the cause of a lot of our arguments. Often times though it’s the way we go about getting to the conclusion that we argue about, because we have the same conclusion in different terms.

Arguments arise for many reasons, some reasons are much more stupid than others, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is an argument. The best way to get through an argument I believe is to allow yourself to calm down. Don’t just storm out screaming and yelling, take some deep breaths re-center your mind, and meet the screaming and yelling with a calming tone. This way it allows both you and your partner an opportunity to calm down. LISTEN to what they are saying…DA-DA-DA-DA…no interruptions, it’s their turn to talk. After they are done, try to explain your side. It doesn’t always work both ways, you give your partner your attention, and you won’t always get it back. But at least now you understand why something turned out the way it did. It makes things a bit easier.

For those late night “I’m tired after a long days work, just leave me alone.” That’s fine…for about an hour or so. Try to pay some attention to your partner. NO! Asking for sex all the time isn’t the only way you should be paying attention. It may be hard at first to start or even continue a conversation, after all what’s new in your house that you don’t already know. But take the time to try, maybe something happened that had them excited, or made them upset. Give them a message, if they ask why just say “I want to be nice, I want my love to relaxed and feeling better.” It won’t always end in sex, trust me, but it’s the thought, not the motivation that you should be working toward. And men enjoy non-sexual messages too at times. Find something your partner likes and learn about it. Take the time to talk about things that interest them too, engage in it, ask questions on the things you don’t understand.

Communication, both verbal and non-verbal, is easily read by people. Like when my girl started her schooling to better herself, I verbally supported her, but my actions said “I want you to fail”. We talked about it and I learned that unconsciously I was saying I wanted her fail. I became more wary of my movements, my actions, and my tone to show her that I did not want her to fail, I really want her to excel. I changed the way I was acting to show her that I meant what I was saying.

Communication is not just knowing how your partner feels, but connecting to them, relating to them, understanding them.

I will not lie, I am only 20 years old, I just left my teens a year ago, I am almost 21. My girl is 27 going on 28, we have had our problems, and we contrast each other, I am more bound to complex logic, she is in simplistic logic. We both do have a hard time showing our emotions, but I am just beginning to understand them while she has known them for years.

I wrote this article for two reasons…

• One, it helps get my mind focused and things sorted on how things should be.
• Two, I want to help the worlds relationships.