Having To Face Major Relationship Choices

There are times in our intimate relationship when we have to question whether our current relationships are as true to us as we are to them. Does your relationship fulfill your dreams? One of my special readers has written to me about a serious issue in his relationship. I believe that this issue is more a symptom than a cause and reflects deeper underlying problems.

The integrity of a relationship can be greatly measured by the depth of honesty. This includes being honest to yourself about your own needs and emotions and the freedom and ability to express honestly within the relationship. Here is Jason’s situation…

“Hey Mary,

I have a serious issue, and I don’t know how to handle it.

You know how my girl left town to help her friend out. Well photos were just posted on her myspace with her and her friend in corsets and panties, and the picture was taken by her friends husband.

I have asked several times if she could model a corset for me in the past and she says “I have to be in the mood for it.”

I want to ask her why she would do it for her friend and her husband but not me, why was she in the mood then but never with me.

It makes me feel that I am not worthy of seeing her like that, furthermore she’s been getting more and more shy around me. She covers herself while changing clothes (something she never did before) she doesn’t want to have sex anymore, and I feel like I am doing something to turn her away from me.

I tried to bring it up to her, but I am lacking the courage to face the truth, I know she isn’t cheating on me, we are together practically all day, and she only leaves when her mom comes by to pick her up. I don’t know what’s going on. Mary, my heart is sinking, I am getting sick over this, I don’t know what to do.

Every time I finally gather the courage to say something, something happens that it cannot be addressed. Like today, I finally made the decision bring it up tonight, but she’s getting her tooth pulled and I don’t want to stress her.”

Facing Major Relationship Choices

Jason,

I am so sorry. Without asking for your permission I am going to speak very freely. From your posts I have built up a persona of you, based on your high intelligence and level of comprehension. So I will address the person I believe you to be, even though my suggestions may not be appropriate for all relationships, or all stages of a relationship. This is about you and yours, it’s harsh, and it is my truth. Also, be aware that the greatest insight I have here, that you are of course lacking, is objectivity.

I believe your relationship is being allowed to exist at a major superficial level. Obviously there are some facets that have depth, unfortunately these facets entice you to focus on them and avoid other facets, and even avoid the whole diamond. You and your partner are both exhibiting behavior that is destructive to a genuine committed relationship.

In an absolutely honest and committed relationship there would not be the stated actions of your partner, particularly that her behavior with others is more intimate than with you. This on its own is a huge problem. However, there is an even bigger problem, and this one is the crux, the one that magnifies all other problems, and allows them to grow until the bubble bursts. Avoidance. You can rationalize away your lack of assertiveness by a refusal to injure your partner’s feelings. Sometimes, in small ways this can be appropriate and helpful. As a basis for a relationship it is totally destructive.

I am willing to bet that too often you have that feeling of ‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner. I am sure that often when you seek a deep and meaningful discussion about your relationship that you don’t follow it through, or if you start, your partner deflects the focus of your discussion, possibly by resorting to argument or accusation. Am I close? That is not right. That feeling should be the first sign to you that something is wrong. Not ‘someone’ is wrong, ‘something’ is wrong. The bottom line.

You have two major choices. In taking either choice, of course, these then sub-divide into further choices, and each seems more complex. Such is the nature of choice, the cruel paradox of being human!

Choice one is to accept the relationship, with its flaws, carry on and ‘make the best of it’. Millions of relationships operate on this basis continually. Many claim to be happy, they possibly are, in an ‘ignorance is bliss’ kind of happiness. I believe that people trapped (by themselves) at this level, will never experience the absolute levels of happiness that can be reached in human union. I am not talking about physical passion, or any short-term fleeting excitement, I am talking about the absolute depth of happiness of an honest and committed togetherness. Two against the world. Bonds you truly know can’t be broken, and that go beyond simple words or binding ceremonies.

Choice two is so much harder, but the rewards so much greater. Basically this choice means a true assessment of your relationship. Is it truly the relationship you desire? Are you getting the emotional satisfaction you desire from being with one special person? This choice requires a singular effort from you initially. You must, as objectively, dispassionately, even unemotionally analyze your relationship and determine whether it is or can provide what you desire. If no, what will?

Here the choices become harder and possibly painful. Do not rule out breaking up from/away from your partner. I am not suggesting you do. I am suggesting you weigh all options. In the hard light of day you need to explore all options, no more sweeping emotions under the carpet. This is your emotional health at risk here, far too important to be avoided, far too important to entrust to anyone but yourself.

If it can only be the relationship you desire subject to changes in your partner, you are already boiling a case for a need to change something. Proactively making and taking one of these choices, and accepting responsibility and reward equally for it, is the first step to empowerment. Be true to yourself.

When you have chosen, if you wish further advice from me, I will help as I can. As much as is possible through the written word, I am sending you courage, resolve and especially love. Use them.