That sounds like us…so maybe there is hope for me too. I hate feeling neglected, but reading all the comments, I feel partly to blame. I should correct that, I think I am the blame for why I am feeling neglected!

I am really going to give it my best shot.

I would like to congratulate you on your mature response to your situation. Its too easy to be dragged down by the emotion of it, all but you seem to be thinking it through and coming up with plans.

You certainly do not sound like a fool by any means. I can see you are already thinking long and hard about your situation.

Do what you think is right. Please do not stay, just to keep the family together, stay because you want to.

You are right in believing your daughter should see both her parents happy, whether they are together or not. Too many children endure a childhood of misery because their parents stayed together for the wrong reasons.

Good luck Margi! I’ll be thinking of you.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I’ll be heading back home from my vacation. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’m going to do with my relationship with P and have decided that P and I should take a break from eachother. I haven’t come up with how long the break should be but, I feel during that break we should see other people (I already have someone in mind) and see what happens. If we get back together after our break great if not that’s o.k also our daughter deserves to see both her parents happy even if it’s not together.

After sending out that e-mail I found out that he has cheated on me with several women. Ofcourse he denys all of it but, I know for a fact that he has. He has apoligized sincerely (for something he hasn’t done). He claims they were just as he put it “inapropiate text” and thats all. I don’t trust him that’s another thing you can add to the lack of sex. he wasn’t having sex with me but, now I know the reason why because he was busy having sex with other women. He claims the reason why he was sending those inapropiate text messages is because I wasn’t giving him enough attention at home. I was BUSY taking care of all housework and our daughter. I don’t blame myself for anything I know that he did what he did because he wanted to and it had nothing to do with me.

IF I stay it’s because I really soooo desperately want to keep the family together but, he is going to have to make some serious changes and do some soul searching during our break. I’m not going to be the same woman that I was before that’s for sure. IF we get back together after our break he is going to have to deal with the new and improved me.

Am I a fool???

Margi…

I am so sorry for not replying earlier! I feel for you and understand totally what you are saying. I have also been in a similar situation and tried to communicate and make changes. From what you have said you have also tried to communicate with him. This is an unfortunate situation because sad to say, he may never change. Many men that are not sexually active do find ways to be too tired. I have seen this many times before.

As for women not ‘wanting’ it the same way men do, is also a cop out. Many of us do! You have every right to feel frustrated and I only hope I have answered you in time to really think hard about your future whilst on holiday.

He may love you he may love you as much as any woman, but if the love he offers isn’t adding to your fulfillment it is natural to look elsewhere. Your happiness in your future is very important.

Unfortunately this is an extreme of incompatibility. You cannot change him and you should not have to change yourself to a degree that would limit your happiness. Whatever his problem is, it is his problem. You either have to accept the situation or move on. You are too young to waste your life in not being happy.

I wish you all the best and hope you find the happiness you seek. Please feel free to come back anytime. It is comforting not having to talk with family and friends all the time. Again, I am so sorry for not replying sooner. Usually I am here all the time!

The sex went from a couple of days a week every week to maybe a couple of times a month (if that) because we once went almost two months without having any sex. I have an extremely high sex drive and enjoy having sex a couple of times a day. When we do have sex there is absolutely nothing there (no connection). He is the only man that I have ever been faithful to but, I’m really thinking about cheating on him if he doesn’t start having sex with me as often as I want him to. I have told him how I feel and still he does nothing. What now?

It’s like he doesn’t care how I feel. I’m sexually frustrated and I’m getting angry, I’m starting to hate him. I don’t want to break our family up but, I’m tired of his lack of affection (sexually). I’m going on a long vacation next week and I’m taking our daughter with me and I don’t know if I want to return to him to the b.s. I’ve never done something like this (post something so personal on line before) I guess I’m desperate to see what other people have to say about my situation people that are not family or friends. Thanks

Your suggestions are valid but can I offer one small modification. You say “and it may get her to see that what she is doing is wrong”. In all relationship issues “wrong” is a big call. Whether something is wrong or not is very subjective, wrong in one relationship may not be in another. In any conflict resolution try to replace wrong with ‘inappropriate’. This applies to specific conversation as well as to broader concept.

I hope this does not come across as picky or pedantic but it is an area where conflict resolution often falters. So I am not so much editing your excellent advise as much as I am simply using this opportunity to point this out to a larger audience.

For a young man Jason, as always, your delving deeper into people’s emotions is great to see!

PS Thanks for dropping by…I was beginning to miss you!

Emotion is normal for every human, male or female. Wanting to talk about them, or feeling them doesn’t change with what sex you are. So no, you’re not being selfish, and no, you’re not a baby. My only suggestion (that I can think of) is to try to talk it out, and if she gives you a No answer excuse, push a bit harder, it may start a fight, but you will feel better, and it may get her to see that what she is doing is wrong. And for everyone out there not just Ray, It’s okay to make yourself feel better! A happy you is a more productive, intimate, helpful, loving you………Remember, You have to get along with ones self, before you can get along with others.

As is usual with most opening dialogues your situation has me asking more questions than being able to provide simple answers. However, straight off the bat, you do have a problem, you are not being a baby or being selfish, you are right in seeking some sort of resolution. Problems such as yours are not usually sudden in appearance and are usually the result of an evolution of behaviors. Obviously I have not been there to witness this evolution so I will tread carefully with any advise. Bear in mind that any advise I give can only be based on what you present to me. Even with the most open of minds it is hard to be objective when explaining your own situation, and as you have eluded there are always two sides to every story.

Now that is out of the way – behaviors that your wife is exhibiting are certainly not conducive to a shared relationship. In the examples you have given any spouse of either gender would expect to at least be consulted prior to carrying out the events. Based on what you have told me I would consider your wife’s actions inappropriate to marital harmony. However, and this is a big however, I do not know the circumstances to have caused this to arise, and this could be a major factor.

Whilst I am certainly not accusing you in anyway, behaviors such as this can sometimes evolve due to a lack of trust in a partners judgement or support. You have started down the resolution path by recognizing a problem and articulating it. Can I suggest an honest self-appraisal and review. Could you have contributed to your wife’s feeling that your involvement in decision making processes is either irrelevant or untrustworthy? Be fair to yourself, and not too harsh, nobody is perfect.

Certainly if you think that you have been reasonable and fair in previous actions and given your wife no reasonable cause to mistrust your input, you would be justified in seeking deeper discussion with your wife to attempt to improve this aspect of your marriage.

Regardless of how this set of circumstances started or developed, the current situation is far from satisfactory. I applaud your decision to take steps to improve it. If you wish to share your view of factors which may have led to the current circumstances we can discuss steps that will hopefully improve your relationship. Wishing you all the best in your efforts.

Mary

My wife and I have been married for twenty years, and for ten of those she has been sick and I have done my best to take care of her and do whatever I can, I know I have not been perfect and would not try to make it sound like I am a saint or anything like that, but in the last year or so she has been feeling better somewhat, and now she uses her energies for her own things, and when it comes to me, she is worn out, or sick.

Our sex life has been decent, but day to day she makes decisions about our lives, or decisions about the kids, and then just sort of matter of fact tells me after the action, most recently she bought herself a minivan and took on payments and didn’t tell me she was doing so until after, that really hurt and made me feel useless, and unwanted, this is just one thing in a series of a bunch of other little things she just decides.

She tells me that she has to set her priorities, but when I ask her where I fit in the big scheme of things I get a bunch of non-answers, like “you know I love you”, am I just being a baby?