Do You Feel Neglected In Your Marriage?
In some marriages, one or both partners may begin to feel neglected by the other. Feeling neglected by a husband or wife doesn’t mean he or she is failing to do their duty or is being intentionally difficult. It can mean feeling as if your spouse doesn’t care anymore what you are thinking or feeling. For example, your spouse never answers your questions about things that you know must be bothering them at work. When a spouse stops communicating and sharing their innermost feelings, or doesn’t include you in activities, you begin to feel as if the person is excluding you from their life. This can be emotionally painful and difficult to handle.
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One of the most frequent causes of a spouse feeling neglected is when two people begin to go separate ways. The marriage is intact and there is no intention of divorcing, but each has their own schedule and it doesn’t include the other spouse most of the time. People who are married need to have their own interests, but it can be taken too far one way also.
There are plenty of reasons why married couples can begin to develop separate schedules. For example, a working spouse may have many work commitments that require attendance on weekends or evenings in addition to the regular schedule. The spouse who cares for the children often has a full calendar of events and commitments requiring at least one parent’s attendance. Normally the same parent takes responsibility for being at the kids events on a regular basis.
Other activities which can separate couples include sports participation, going out with his or her friends too often and volunteer work. The more people do separately, the wider the channel between them grows. This can lead to feelings of neglect for two reasons. First, most of the time communication will decline. Second, the spouse most often left out of events will feel excluded and even unwanted.
Lack of Affection
There can be many different things going on in a marriage that can make a spouse feel neglected. One of the most obvious is when there is little touching, affection or infrequent sexual relations. People like being kissed and hugged and treated tenderly. When the signs of affection that were once displayed regularly are now few and far between, it can make a person feel neglected and unloved.
A spouse who feels neglected may also claim that the couple doesn’t have fun together anymore. With separate calendars, it’s hard to come together and enjoy quality time as a married couple. A spouse who works a lot of overtime often has a married partner at home who is wishing they could find just a little time to spend together.
Sometimes when a husband or wife claims they are feeling neglected, it can seem as if a mountain is being made out of a mole hill. The neglected person is feeling badly about the relationship. The other spouse is just doing the various things he or she enjoys doing or feels is necessary to do. So the first thing you have to do is talk about the issue without sounding critical or childish.
Keeping good communication going in a marriage is crucial to its longevity. If you think your spouse is working too much then you should discuss your feelings with them. But you don’t want to start pushing blame onto them for all the marriage woes or for your feelings. A discussion should be two-way which means you give each other a chance to explore emotions, feelings and facts without recriminations.
To avoid one spouse feeling neglected, there should always be joint activities on the calendar for the husband and wife. You have to have time together in order to nurture the relationship. Living separately emotionally even while married physically is not good for the marriage. It is always important to take time out of busy schedules to do things together.
A spouse can feel neglected in a marriage for a number of reasons. Often the neglect is not intentional. It evolves over time as people simply try to handle day to day living as best as possible. But a marriage takes a conscious desire and plenty of effort to keep communication lines open while reserving time for joint activities.
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Hi my name is toni and I love my husband,but I feel very neglected by him. By the time he gets through with his life schedule he doesnt seem to be to concerned about me. I feel taken for granted. When I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel, it just turns into me trying to tell him what to do. When all I am trying to say is I am lonely and I need you. Why dont you give me a little more of your attention and not just for sex. OH ya I really believe he loves me. He begged me to marry him and I finally said ok after 9 yrs.
Hi Toni,
Many men show their love with sex. If he feels like you have a problem with him, then by making love to you he may feel like he is ‘fixing’ the problem. You on the other hand feel as if that is all he wants.
To gain the attention you desire, instead of ‘telling’ him ‘show’ him.
When he comes home instead of feeling down about his lack of interest, make it exciting for him to spend time with you. Make him want to come home and not ignore you.
Have nice music playing, put candles on the table for dinner.
Make life spontaneous, so he doesn’t feel like he has to put a ‘band-aid’ on the relationship.
It’s an unfortunate fact of life that when one feels neglected, the other cannot see or understand what the problem is. Women like to talk and explain a situation, whereas men want to fix the problem. If they can’t see a problem, they can’t fix it.
I do feel neglected, my girl and i work on the same day at the same time, we have a good portion of the week together, but with constant interruptions during the day we only get nights together, but as the day comes to a trickle she completely immerses herself into school work on her computer only taking breaks to smoke, and that’s not often. she puts on sound canceling headphones, by the time she’s done i am asleep, i don’t really get to hug her, kiss her to much anymore, and our sex life came almost to a halt aside from three weeks ago. I don’t know what to do, I feel like i am at the end of my rope. I am very shy and unable to really hold a quite conversation.
Hi Jason,
Firstly, please do not be concerned about your shyness. Your lady met you and was attracted to you, shy or not, but there are so many questions I want to ask you regarding this.
For example, are you shy or do you mean you lack assertiveness in your relationship? These are two separate issues.
What were some of the things you enjoyed doing together when you first met? Do you still take time doing those things or has she totally immersed herself into her work?
If she is truly busy, make a plan (to fit her schedule) and do something special, if you know you can be spontaneous, do it! Take the lead role and whisk her off her feet!
I am unfortunately shy and lack assertiveness (particularly in a situation like this where she’s trying to better herself). But I hunkered down and dropped a huge “I am upset, and i am waiting for ask why.” hint. She asked and we talked, which is what i wanted, apparently as I getting upset I made her feel as though i wanted her fail, which i would never wish upon her, as we talked we kinda came to unspoken compromise as we conveyed how we felt, I said I will be more conscious of my attitude and try to make her feel more support in her efforts, and in turn at times we can really sit there and go over what she learned and not so much talk about our day, but just really hang out. I don’t ask for sex often and she doesn’t really offer to often so it works out on that aspect.
I want to congratulate you on taking positive steps. I truly hope things move in the direction you wish. A key component of relationship dynamics, which is too often overlooked, is that the only person that anyone has the ability or the right to change is themselves. Whilst frank and open communication is essential, the aim of dialogue should not be to “change” the other, it should be to listen to their beliefs, needs, etc and to express yours.
Then the most important step is to work on oneself. This does not necessarily mean simply changing your own behaviors to comply with anothers wishes, especially if you deem them inappropriate. Take time for self assessment, look within, acknowledge faults and take a path to self improvement based on whatever you believe that improvement to be.
The person you are becoming comes about by your thoughts and actions today. Be happy and positive in your outlook. Make the person you are becoming, one who that special person would truly want to be with.
Thank you very much, I congratulated her earlier she gt 2 perfect scores on subjects she didn’t know to much about, I would have given her a hug but she hurt her ankle and i am a bit clumsy, but I am happy that I have managed to really tell her how i feel, now only if we can stop debating over technicalities, which we both do, we are both considered geniuses (well, i say i am no smarter than an average person, IQ is just a number) but she likes to show it off, I just have a habit of correcting, and getting hung up on the technical……. sorry sidetracked, but i really do hope we can maintain the line of communication here, I am happier than i have ever been with anyone else, and like all great things i want it to last.
Hi Jason,
Just so you don’t feel so alone, I am disclosing some of my own personal experience. In my own marriage (which everyone, including my husband and I, believe to be a perfect, loving relationship), we still have to confront the same issues you have described.
My husband and I are perfectionists and one of my husbands self admitted faults is a compulsion to correct inaccuracies expressed by others. He does not intend to be destructive but feels that if he does not correct spoken errors that he is somehow tacitly agreeing with them. Then hours later he regrets having corrected (me or others) and realizes that had he let the moment pass with a smile and a nod the only thing different would have been less friction. I can accept it now as I know he does not mean to hurt me, but in the early days, it hurt me badly.
He too is a genius (and although I am not, I was always a straight A student), so in the beginning of our relationship, we both thought we had to be right!
We now, spend 24 hours a day with each other, 7 days a week, because we couldn’t bear being apart, so found a business we could do together. Other people find this ‘weird’ because being with their partners is not exciting.
The only reason I am telling you this, is because you have described us! He is also shy, but I find very attractive!
You Jason, have found a woman, that will meet your intellectual needs, which will take you into your senior years. So often people do not have that.
Good luck, you both have the beginnings of a very beautiful relationship!
First i would like to say sorry for the delayed response, busy, busy, busy. But it’s funny because I feel the need to correct spoken errors too. Oh so many times I wish I had kept my mouth shut too. I am hoping that she’ll take me into my senior years with her, see, I’m 20, she’s 27 and we get along great even with the short age difference (except in music, we sometimes listen to the same stuff, but she listens to older stuff than I) and I know I am young but out of every relationship I have ever been in, I feel different with her. I would say it’s Love but I don’t know what that feels like. I say “I love you” to her and I mean it. I feel pretty good about us, and I enjoy her presence very much…. oh and another coincidence, My girl and I work together too. same company, at the same time, same place, she’s just a little bit further away from my “station” i guess one could call it. but at the end of the day we both physically hurt, worn out, cramping up, and falling asleep. It’s weird how much my relationship coincides with yours
LOL.
Hi Jason!
I was actually telling my husband about you and we both hoped you had a very Happy New Year!
I understand what you mean by “I say I love you, but I don’t know what that feels like.” Many people never know if they have experienced love.
You are young but have the intelligence to step outside the square. If you can feel what the other feels and say to yourself, ‘how would they like to be treated right now, would they like to be alone, would they like to be hugged, do they want a friend or do they want a lover?’ then you are a thousand times ahead of the average person.
You are far more mature than your age suggests and I think your lady already sees that. Be happy knowing that it is a new love, it will keep growing everyday, where you cannot bear to be apart. Communication is important. Never close the door to that.
Our relationship is very parallel with yours, except we are almost the same age and we work from home…we did that because my husband didn’t want anyone else telling me what to do!
I did have a good new years, how was yours. Yeah we’ve been doing much better than before with communication going. I help her on math and whatever else, if i can’t come up with a definitive answer then I google it. But I still have a few kinks to work out of myself, and they’re getting ironed out my girl says i’m “in training” but it’s more of a joke, she asks if certain things are okay (Like going over to her best friends house whose husband enjoys threesomes and is always aroused), and I ask too, and either of us say that we’re not comfy with it then something else is worked out. I am very happy with her and I do hope it lasts. I hope you had good things to say about me to your husband
I am not sure if I can but when you respond is it possible for me to send you my email or something, this conversation is really nice.
LOL I’m really enjoying this too! I do have your email, but I am going to ask you if we can continue on my blog. I have a very selfish reason
First of all, I do feel like we are able to communicate easily and I know many people want to ask the questions you already have.
Sometimes it is easier for us all to relate to a ‘real’ person rather than just words in a book or on a blog. I myself would prefer to share what we talk about anywhere on my blog. You can pick any spot you like, it doesn’t matter.
I personally am interested in how it all goes for you and I am sure others reading this will be too!
If others can benefit from your insights then I am truly happy. Please don’t think in any way that I am limiting our contact or conversation, I hope that we can continue to converse as often as suits you…daily if you like! Don’t ever think you are contacting me too much!
Oh, and my husband empathizes with you, in a “been there done that” kind of way…it was just a little longer ago!
For anyone interested….Communication In All Relationships
I don’t know how to feel, I am very confused and when I speak to my own feelings I feel selfish.
My wife and I have been married for twenty years, and for ten of those she has been sick and I have done my best to take care of her and do whatever I can, I know I have not been perfect and would not try to make it sound like I am a saint or anything like that, but in the last year or so she has been feeling better somewhat, and now she uses her energies for her own things, and when it comes to me, she is worn out, or sick.
Our sex life has been decent, but day to day she makes decisions about our lives, or decisions about the kids, and then just sort of matter of fact tells me after the action, most recently she bought herself a minivan and took on payments and didn’t tell me she was doing so until after, that really hurt and made me feel useless, and unwanted, this is just one thing in a series of a bunch of other little things she just decides.
She tells me that she has to set her priorities, but when I ask her where I fit in the big scheme of things I get a bunch of non-answers, like “you know I love you”, am I just being a baby?
Hi Ray,
As is usual with most opening dialogues your situation has me asking more questions than being able to provide simple answers. However, straight off the bat, you do have a problem, you are not being a baby or being selfish, you are right in seeking some sort of resolution. Problems such as yours are not usually sudden in appearance and are usually the result of an evolution of behaviors. Obviously I have not been there to witness this evolution so I will tread carefully with any advise. Bear in mind that any advise I give can only be based on what you present to me. Even with the most open of minds it is hard to be objective when explaining your own situation, and as you have eluded there are always two sides to every story.
Now that is out of the way – behaviors that your wife is exhibiting are certainly not conducive to a shared relationship. In the examples you have given any spouse of either gender would expect to at least be consulted prior to carrying out the events. Based on what you have told me I would consider your wife’s actions inappropriate to marital harmony. However, and this is a big however, I do not know the circumstances to have caused this to arise, and this could be a major factor.
Whilst I am certainly not accusing you in anyway, behaviors such as this can sometimes evolve due to a lack of trust in a partners judgement or support. You have started down the resolution path by recognizing a problem and articulating it. Can I suggest an honest self-appraisal and review. Could you have contributed to your wife’s feeling that your involvement in decision making processes is either irrelevant or untrustworthy? Be fair to yourself, and not too harsh, nobody is perfect.
Certainly if you think that you have been reasonable and fair in previous actions and given your wife no reasonable cause to mistrust your input, you would be justified in seeking deeper discussion with your wife to attempt to improve this aspect of your marriage.
Regardless of how this set of circumstances started or developed, the current situation is far from satisfactory. I applaud your decision to take steps to improve it. If you wish to share your view of factors which may have led to the current circumstances we can discuss steps that will hopefully improve your relationship. Wishing you all the best in your efforts.
Mary
I completely agree with Mary, by the way sorry I was gone so long, had a few relationship issues myself, along with school and stuff. But all in all, no, you’re not a baby, nor are you being selfish. Granted I do not know how to handle a situation like that being as how young I am and my girl and I have only been dating a year. But talking about your feelings is one of the few things in my book that you should never feel selfish for. How you feel is how you feel, no selfishness involved. You would probably feel the same way even if you didn’t think it was selfish.
Emotion is normal for every human, male or female. Wanting to talk about them, or feeling them doesn’t change with what sex you are. So no, you’re not being selfish, and no, you’re not a baby. My only suggestion (that I can think of) is to try to talk it out, and if she gives you a No answer excuse, push a bit harder, it may start a fight, but you will feel better, and it may get her to see that what she is doing is wrong. And for everyone out there not just Ray, It’s okay to make yourself feel better! A happy you is a more productive, intimate, helpful, loving you………Remember, You have to get along with ones self, before you can get along with others.
Thank you for your input Jason, I am sure Ray will feel some sense of vindication and support from you too.
Your suggestions are valid but can I offer one small modification. You say “and it may get her to see that what she is doing is wrong”. In all relationship issues “wrong” is a big call. Whether something is wrong or not is very subjective, wrong in one relationship may not be in another. In any conflict resolution try to replace wrong with ‘inappropriate’. This applies to specific conversation as well as to broader concept.
I hope this does not come across as picky or pedantic but it is an area where conflict resolution often falters. So I am not so much editing your excellent advise as much as I am simply using this opportunity to point this out to a larger audience.
For a young man Jason, as always, your delving deeper into people’s emotions is great to see!
PS Thanks for dropping by…I was beginning to miss you!
I’m engaged and living with let’s call him P (the first man I’ve ever lived with). I stay home with our one year old daughter while he works 6 days a week 12-15 hours a day. I totally get that when he comes home he is REALLY TIRED but, ALL he ever does is sleep when he is home even on his only day of which is Sunday. He doesn’t spend any time with the family and if he does it’s never outside the home.
The sex went from a couple of days a week every week to maybe a couple of times a month (if that) because we once went almost two months without having any sex. I have an extremely high sex drive and enjoy having sex a couple of times a day. When we do have sex there is absolutely nothing there (no connection). He is the only man that I have ever been faithful to but, I’m really thinking about cheating on him if he doesn’t start having sex with me as often as I want him to. I have told him how I feel and still he does nothing. What now?
It’s like he doesn’t care how I feel. I’m sexually frustrated and I’m getting angry, I’m starting to hate him. I don’t want to break our family up but, I’m tired of his lack of affection (sexually). I’m going on a long vacation next week and I’m taking our daughter with me and I don’t know if I want to return to him to the b.s. I’ve never done something like this (post something so personal on line before) I guess I’m desperate to see what other people have to say about my situation people that are not family or friends. Thanks
Hi Margi,
I am so sorry for not replying earlier! I feel for you and understand totally what you are saying. I have also been in a similar situation and tried to communicate and make changes. From what you have said you have also tried to communicate with him. This is an unfortunate situation because sad to say, he may never change. Many men that are not sexually active do find ways to be too tired. I have seen this many times before.
As for women not ‘wanting’ it the same way men do, is also a cop out. Many of us do! You have every right to feel frustrated and I only hope I have answered you in time to really think hard about your future whilst on holiday.
He may love you he may love you as much as any woman, but if the love he offers isn’t adding to your fulfillment it is natural to look elsewhere. Your happiness in your future is very important.
Unfortunately this is an extreme of incompatibility. You cannot change him and you should not have to change yourself to a degree that would limit your happiness. Whatever his problem is, it is his problem. You either have to accept the situation or move on. You are too young to waste your life in not being happy.
I wish you all the best and hope you find the happiness you seek. Please feel free to come back anytime. It is comforting not having to talk with family and friends all the time. Again, I am so sorry for not replying sooner. Usually I am here all the time!
Mary,
Tomorrow (Tuesday) I’ll be heading back home from my vacation. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’m going to do with my relationship with P and have decided that P and I should take a break from eachother. I haven’t come up with how long the break should be but, I feel during that break we should see other people (I already have someone in mind) and see what happens. If we get back together after our break great if not that’s o.k also our daughter deserves to see both her parents happy even if it’s not together.
After sending out that e-mail I found out that he has cheated on me with several women. Ofcourse he denys all of it but, I know for a fact that he has. He has apoligized sincerely (for something he hasn’t done). He claims they were just as he put it “inapropiate text” and thats all. I don’t trust him that’s another thing you can add to the lack of sex. he wasn’t having sex with me but, now I know the reason why because he was busy having sex with other women. He claims the reason why he was sending those inapropiate text messages is because I wasn’t giving him enough attention at home. I was BUSY taking care of all housework and our daughter. I don’t blame myself for anything I know that he did what he did because he wanted to and it had nothing to do with me.
IF I stay it’s because I really soooo desperately want to keep the family together but, he is going to have to make some serious changes and do some soul searching during our break. I’m not going to be the same woman that I was before that’s for sure. IF we get back together after our break he is going to have to deal with the new and improved me.
Am I a fool???
Margi…
Hi Margi,
I would like to congratulate you on your mature response to your situation. Its too easy to be dragged down by the emotion of it, all but you seem to be thinking it through and coming up with plans.
You certainly do not sound like a fool by any means. I can see you are already thinking long and hard about your situation.
Do what you think is right. Please do not stay, just to keep the family together, stay because you want to.
You are right in believing your daughter should see both her parents happy, whether they are together or not. Too many children endure a childhood of misery because their parents stayed together for the wrong reasons.
Good luck Margi! I’ll be thinking of you.