Goal Setting In Your Marriage – One Is Not Divorce
When you get married you usually have the same goal, to stay married and be happy, 365 days of the year! No one gets married expecting to later end up getting a divorce. Some people spend months talking about their plans and dreams and what they hope to achieve as a couple. They talk about having children, their financial goals and common interests among other topics. Some couples don’t take the time to do this kind of planning though and simply fall in love and get married.
Though there are millions of successful marriages between people who did not do any pre-planning, there are plenty of marriages that have failed as a result of lack of goal setting. But there is another twist on the problem found in marriages also. Some couples come to feel they don’t have any common goals. This can be a serious problem because it affects some of the most important issues in a marriage. For example, when you want children and one of you don’t, it can cause a huge rift in the marriage.
When you don’t have common goals it can be difficult to keep a marriage healthy because you are each working to achieve a different result. You may want to achieve financial independence and your spouse may like to spend money which limits the amount that can be saved. The bread-winner may want to build a career that requires long hours at work and their partner may want to be more committed to family time.
Starting With One Common Goal
If you begin with the fact that your marriage did have one main common goal, you can begin to build a new set of goals no matter how long you have been married. Often it is not that you don’t have common goals, it is that you think you both have separate ones. Sometimes they can be the same, but if you don’t discuss it then they can appear to be totally different. In other words, if you don’t talk to your spouse about specific goals then you are making assumptions that may or may not be true. It is important to have one-on-one conversations about your marriage goals. You need to listen to your spouse’s needs and feelings about issues and then share yours. From there you can begin to look for those points where your goals meet.
When you are discussing your goals, make sure you also listen to your partner. Communication is the most important part of your relationship. Knowing how your partner feels emotionally and physically is what makes your marriage grow together and also allows you to help each other reach your goals, common or otherwise.
Marriage Advice For When Your Children Leave Home
When you have spent many years raising children in your marriage and they are no longer living in the house, it can be difficult to emotionally adjust. Parenting is a full time job for both the wife and husband. Though one spouse may take more responsibility for the actual care of the children out of necessity, the other spouse is just as connected with the children. You spend years making sure the children have everything they need and reach maturity as healthy adults ready for the world.
When you have focused on the children for so long, it can be a bit surprising to find them gone. The “empty nest” syndrome simply refers to the feelings of emptiness you feel when you no longer have the children under your care. You can feel proud they have successfully grown up and become productive. But you also feel a bit useless because they had occupied so much time and space.
A Neglected Spouse
A spouse who feels abandoned when the children leaves, and has too much time on his or her hands, can quickly become dissatisfied with the marriage itself. This occurs when a couple realizes they seem to have little in common anymore. But this is natural because the children have taken so much attention that it often did not leave any time to talk with your spouse about other issues or subjects. Most of your relationship conversations were about the children.
If you find yourself in this situation, the first thing you need to realize is that this is now a great time to turn your attention onto your husband or wife. You can begin to focus on each other and start talking about the different ways to fill the void left by the children being gone. It can be a time to renew your relationship and rediscover those wonderful years before the children came and you looked to each other for companionship.
New Focus On Your Marriage
In other words, the children leaving home provides a great opportunity to begin a second life that is more focused on your marriage, your needs and the needs of your spouse. All those things you would have liked to do for your husband or wife over the years can now be done. It can be a glorious time of rediscovery instead of a time for regrets that the children are now gone.
Marriage Renewed
When you find yourself with an empty house, it’s a great opportunity to spend more time with your spouse. You can literally get to know each other again. For example, you can begin dating again like new lovers and include all the rituals which used to make dating so much fun. You can dress up and go out to a special place and begin making new memories.
You should also discuss your feelings with your spouse. You want him or her to know that you want to renew your marriage emotionally and physically. By giving each other support during this period, the feelings of uselessness are quickly erased.
When the children leave home, it’s also a wonderful time to begin doing some of the things you never had time to do or were afraid to do while maximizing financial security. For example, you can join a local volunteer group or even change jobs. You can take up a hobby or ask your spouse to begin taking some trips with just you and him.
When you look at the empty nest in the right light, you almost wonder how you ever found time to raise a family! It’s important to identify and recognize your feelings. People who refuse to do anything about their feelings of insecurity and uselessness often can experience more severe problems down the road such as depression.
When the children leave home, it is important to make sure you restore your feelings of worth. By communicating with your spouse and talking about the issues at hand, it’s possible to build an even stronger marriage. You have raised some great kids, and now it’s time to focus on your spouse and your marriage.
Plus don’t forget to renew the intimate relationship between you both. Without the children to worry about, you have the perfect opportunity to concentrate on both the physical and emotional needs of your marriage to be happy everyday.
