If You Are You Separated You Can Try To Resolve Issues
Sometimes couples decide they need to separate to take a break from the pain of a marriage in trouble. This tactic may be seen as necessary in some cases such as where the children are suffering due to the constant arguing or life has become unbearable in your eyes. But a separation does not have to turn into a divorce. It can truly be treated as a time for reflection and to find some temporary breathing room.
Sometimes you have to step back from a problem in order to solve it. When immersed in your marriage and problems keep careening out of control, sometimes it can be beneficial to temporarily separate. But the key word is “temporarily”. A separation can be a chance to take stock of the situation and find some emotional calm, but it should not be viewed as a first step towards divorce.
Your Attitude Can Stop Divorce
Your attitude towards separation can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you see separation as just one step in the divorce process, then chances are you will end up divorced. But if you look at separation as a time where your spouse and you can learn to appreciate each other again and work on problems, then divorce is not inevitable. Of course, one of the drawbacks to separation, even with the right attitude, is that you are not living with your spouse which can make it more difficult to jointly address some problems.
While separated, it is recommended that you and your spouse seek counseling. Obviously, your marriage has deep and difficult problems if you have separated. Getting as much as possible in order to work through those problems is critical. Counseling will also insure that you both continue talking to each other as you work through your problems together.
It can be tempting while separated to dwell on the wrong kinds of thoughts. That’s where attitude comes into play again. For example, if you spend your time convincing yourself that your spouse can never change, then you are not giving the marriage a real chance to heal. When you concentrate on the past, and don’t see the future as full of change and new possibilities, then you once again are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Communication With Your Partner
During separation both husband and wife should make a real effort to talk regularly. Now is a great time to begin opening what have been closed lines of communication. The separation has temporarily relieved some of the stress of daily arguing and feeling locked into an impossible situation. That can actually make it easier to begin discussion about marital issues.
Your goal should be to stop divorce. The one thing you have to be wary of is believing that the temporary state of being single is indicative of how life will be if you get a divorce. Single life is not easy in this day and age. You married each other because you saw yourselves as compatible, loving and ready to spend the rest of your lives together. Once you have found these kinds of feelings, it is difficult to feel as satisfied as a single person. And a temporary separation does not truly show you what life would be like if single.
Why Were You Married?
One of the goals of separation should be looking at the bigger picture. When you are living together, the day to day activities and the ongoing problems can make it difficult to keep a perspective on the marriage. When you lose sight of the good points and focus on the negative or don’t focus at all, it is too easy to forget the value of the marriage. There’s a reason why you fell in love. There’s a reason why you have been married for years. There’s a reason why you have brought children into the world as husband and wife. You both had common goals and dreams and your marriage was the way you decided together to pursue them.
Being separated is painful and relieving at the same time. The important point is to use this time to re-open, not avoid, communication with your spouse. You should also spend this time re-evaluating yourself. It takes two to have a marriage and it takes two to have marital problems. That means you have played a role in the issues which have arisen over the years.
Stopping a Divorce Filing or Putting It On Hold For A While
Filing for divorce should be a well thought out plan of action that serves as a last resort. You should only seek divorce as the final alternative after trying everything else. “Everything else” includes talking to your spouse about the marital problems and seeking counseling. When you go to marriage counseling you should also make a sincere effort to find ways to reconcile differences and restore the love you once felt for your spouse. Counseling only works if sessions are attended with the right attitude.
But in the end there are millions of divorce petitions filed in court every day. There are also thousands that wish to stop the divorce petition after filing, because the husband or wife decides they really should try again to keep their marriage intact. This is a major decision in itself, because once papers are filed in court, everything is put in motion to review and process your request. If you have ever dealt with the legal system, you know how burdensome it can be.
So before filing for divorce you should give the decision intensive consideration and look at the pros and cons from all sides. After you file divorce though, you are able to stop the proceedings if you have a change of heart. Stopping a divorce filing in most states is simply a matter of withdrawing a petition or asking the court to dismiss the petition. You basically tell the court “never mind”. Or you can ask the court to place your petition on hold for a period of time.
Reconsidering the Divorce
When you have a divorce petition dismissed, it means it is gone forever. If you decide later you will have to divorce then the process must be started again. It is like filing all over again.
Deciding to file for divorce can be heartbreaking. After all you are talking about permanently ending a relationship you began while believing it was a lifelong decision. But life can get in the way so to speak. People fall in and out of love, go through personal crisis or get weary of the marital problems. It is unfortunate though that too many people decide to divorce without really thinking about the long range consequences.
If you fit any of the following situations and have filed for divorce, you may want to consider putting your divorce petition on hold.
- Children are involved and divorce will split up family
- Have not sought marriage counseling
- Have not tired to make personal changes in order to improve marriage
- Still feel some love or affection for your spouse
- Believe that single life will be the ideal life
People file for divorce for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they just get fed up and decide to take rash action. Instead of working with their spouse to solve the problems in the marriage, they decide to take action on their own. You don’t have to have your spouse’s agreement to file for divorce.
Reconsidering your divorce is a good action. There is no reason to let a divorce continue out of embarrassment or fear of what the court will think. It is more important to try to restore your marriage if there is any hope at all it is salvageable or you decide you have not tried everything possible. All too often spouses start thinking in dangerous terms. For example, they tell themselves that single life will be just like it was when they were 20 years old. But most marriages have children involved and being a single parent is not easy.
Seeking a Second Chance
When you are interested in stopping a divorce filing, you have to let the court know. If your spouse has filed and you would like him or her to stop the process, then you should start by asking if your husband or wife would consider putting the petition on hold. But you should also approach your spouse with a definitive plan in mind. Your spouse will be much more likely to reconsider the divorce if he or she understands that there are still possible solutions to the problems in the marriage. It is when a spouse comes to believe the situation is hopeless that divorce looks like the best alternative.
You can stop a divorce filing and begin repairing your marriage. You don’t have to accept the divorce petition as engraved in stone as long as the petition has not been acted on.
