Divorce or Separation and The Legalities
Sometimes in a relationship or marriage there are problems, which lead to considerations regarding a divorce or at least a separation. When you tell your friends or family that you are considering a divorce, usually the first thing they recommend is for you to hire an attorney.
If you have really decided to investigate whether a divorce is the right action to take then talking to an attorney can be just one of the first steps. This step is usually one that happens at the end of a sincere effort to renew your marriage or solve marital problems.
When you talk to a divorce attorney it is important to understand that he or she has an entirely different perspective than a marriage counselor. A divorce attorney is not there to help you repair the marriage, but rather to make sure you are treated fairly during the divorce process. If you don’t want to end your marriage, but feel you must protect yourself it’s important to realize the attorney is not going to offer solutions to keep the marriage intact. His or her job is to help you obtain a divorce that complies with the laws of the state while insuring that all issues are settled fairly. A divorce attorney can be accessed for a number of reasons.
- To begin divorce proceedings
- To request a divorce petition be put on hold
- To attempt to block a spousal divorce petition
- To finalize a separation
The attorney will work with you to identify all of the issues related to ending a marriage and then act as a negotiator on your behalf. These issues include child custody and visitation rights and division of property.
Separation or Divorce
Many marriages end long before they should or before every attempt has been made to reconcile differences. In the heat of the battle, so to speak, it can seem to be hugely relieving to make the decision to divorce. Someone once said a marriage actually ends emotionally 5 years before it actually ends legally. This is probably true, but when you think about it that means there are 5 years when real effort could be made to save the marriage.
If it comes down to a divorce, it might be better to consider a legal separation. A divorce attorney will file a petition in court to have you and your spouse considered as separate persons. A legal separation is almost like a divorce because the assets are legally divided and parental rights are determined. It can be almost as expensive as a divorce too.
The main advantage of a legal separation from the viewpoint of someone not ready for the final step of divorce is that you or your spouse cannot remarry. The legal separation separates you physically, but it is not the final act of divorce. Of course at any time your attorney can convert the legal separation to a divorce.
Divorce Attorneys Can’t Solve Your Marriage Problems
It can be easy to confuse the role of the marriage counselor with the role of a divorce attorney. When marriage problems seem irreconcilable, it is tempting to run to an attorney. Sometimes this is a knee-jerk reaction taken more out of fear then a real desire to permanently end the marriage. But going to a divorce attorney will not solve marital problems. It will lead to the dissolution of the marriage. You should always keep this in mind so you don’t confuse the roles of counselor and attorney.
It is always recommended that you seek marriage counseling before deciding to separate or divorce. The attorney will most likely ask you if you have considered marriage counseling. From a legal perspective, this information can be useful to the attorney when it comes to deciding how to settle the issues of the marriage. An attorney also prefers to only begin the divorce process with the knowledge that you and your spouse have made some effort on your own to reconcile.
Getting a divorce is usually as step taken after much anguish. Every effort should be made to avoid divorce if at all possible. Often problems in a marriage seem larger than life when in fact they are manageable. The intense negative emotions that build between the couple after years of arguing can blind them to possible solutions. Going to an attorney will not solve marriage problems. A divorce attorney is there to help you get a divorce. It is the marriage counselor who should be at the top of your list if you really don’t want a divorce and want to try and restore the relationship.
If You Are You Separated You Can Try To Resolve Issues
Sometimes couples decide they need to separate to take a break from the pain of a marriage in trouble. This tactic may be seen as necessary in some cases such as where the children are suffering due to the constant arguing or life has become unbearable in your eyes. But a separation does not have to turn into a divorce. It can truly be treated as a time for reflection and to find some temporary breathing room.
Sometimes you have to step back from a problem in order to solve it. When immersed in your marriage and problems keep careening out of control, sometimes it can be beneficial to temporarily separate. But the key word is “temporarily”. A separation can be a chance to take stock of the situation and find some emotional calm, but it should not be viewed as a first step towards divorce.
Your Attitude Can Stop Divorce
Your attitude towards separation can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you see separation as just one step in the divorce process, then chances are you will end up divorced. But if you look at separation as a time where your spouse and you can learn to appreciate each other again and work on problems, then divorce is not inevitable. Of course, one of the drawbacks to separation, even with the right attitude, is that you are not living with your spouse which can make it more difficult to jointly address some problems.
While separated, it is recommended that you and your spouse seek counseling. Obviously, your marriage has deep and difficult problems if you have separated. Getting as much as possible in order to work through those problems is critical. Counseling will also insure that you both continue talking to each other as you work through your problems together.
It can be tempting while separated to dwell on the wrong kinds of thoughts. That’s where attitude comes into play again. For example, if you spend your time convincing yourself that your spouse can never change, then you are not giving the marriage a real chance to heal. When you concentrate on the past, and don’t see the future as full of change and new possibilities, then you once again are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Communication With Your Partner
During separation both husband and wife should make a real effort to talk regularly. Now is a great time to begin opening what have been closed lines of communication. The separation has temporarily relieved some of the stress of daily arguing and feeling locked into an impossible situation. That can actually make it easier to begin discussion about marital issues.
Your goal should be to stop divorce. The one thing you have to be wary of is believing that the temporary state of being single is indicative of how life will be if you get a divorce. Single life is not easy in this day and age. You married each other because you saw yourselves as compatible, loving and ready to spend the rest of your lives together. Once you have found these kinds of feelings, it is difficult to feel as satisfied as a single person. And a temporary separation does not truly show you what life would be like if single.
Why Were You Married?
One of the goals of separation should be looking at the bigger picture. When you are living together, the day to day activities and the ongoing problems can make it difficult to keep a perspective on the marriage. When you lose sight of the good points and focus on the negative or don’t focus at all, it is too easy to forget the value of the marriage. There’s a reason why you fell in love. There’s a reason why you have been married for years. There’s a reason why you have brought children into the world as husband and wife. You both had common goals and dreams and your marriage was the way you decided together to pursue them.
Being separated is painful and relieving at the same time. The important point is to use this time to re-open, not avoid, communication with your spouse. You should also spend this time re-evaluating yourself. It takes two to have a marriage and it takes two to have marital problems. That means you have played a role in the issues which have arisen over the years.